Downtown Dan, the Lefthand Man

The D.A.R.E. shirt

"One day this kid green as gooseshit steps into the locker room wearing a D.A.R.E. shirt, not thinking things through, you know, not thinking who owns the largest, damn the only legal opium franchise in north american? Damn sure it's The Rouge Man. Who does The Rouge Man manage? Well Mr. Perfect is notorious for his ribs, and a couple guys raised their eyebrows at him, like, you know, "This one of yours. You going to take moral responsibility for the death of this bright eyed young man?" But Perfect looked absolutely mortified, either because the boys thought he could Rib to the point where he became an accessory to murder, or maybe he thought someone else did the rib, and he was contributing to the rapidly escalating rib culture, so at least some of the kids blood, would be on Perfect's hands, or who knows, but just then you can hear Barb stomping down the hall, well you can hear the buzzing that accompanied the blurring. Couldn't blur without buzzing, like the blurring came from a loose cable or something, but he really did seem to shake the ground, anyway Perfect had a pretty bad back by then, but he does a **, a quick double leg takedown, and he gets the kid in a ** headlock, the front of his shirt flat against the ground, Perfect's singlet 'protecting' the back of the shirt, and even though the kid was fighting pretty hard, Perfect kept him in that hold for forty-five minutes, joking the whole time so that nothing seemed fishy to Barb, who like to smoke his opium eat his Saussario cock with the boys without sharing any. Of the opium I mean. I don't think anyone wanted the cockmeat. Well, I'm sure Pat Patterson never turned much down." — Downtown Dan The Lefthand Man.

The Kayfabe Dan Spivey

The Kayfabe Dan Spivey, who was called Downtown Dan the Left Hand Man, but only by those who knew him in his kayfabe-shoot occupation as a pimp, as Mark **, The Undertaker did. In the Barb realete Dan Spivey is the clean-living, human saint type, somewhere between Bob Backlund's Howdy Doodya and Beautiful Days and Certainly Isis, and Beautiful Bobby Eaton, who would bring an entire extra bag full of batteries and band-aids and other things the boys might need on the road, and so it's almost like in this hellraised version, Dan must pay for the sins of his 'real' self, by knowing the clean, good life, and yet having to keep a roster of actual hos who he actually had to prostitute in keeping with the Barb's reality's much stricter and vehemently maintained protections of the business. On another podcast

Dangerous Dan describes pimping the actual Miss Layla, "Hell, I didn't sign up for this, slapping a nice woman around cause she ain't got money for plane fare and The Old Man says she gives me money not the other way around or I can go back to the territories. That's a nice woman there. Hell, I didn't sign up for this.

Pimping the Rouge Man

Downtown Dan felt less pity when pimping The Rouge Man disguised as Layla. "Said it was protecting the business. Said he wanted to work the boys" (n.b. to work the boys is to work a shoot so well the boys themselves believe it). Well, worked them boys alright. Never had to worry about his plane fare. And don't think I wasn't looking forward to them beating. You know, you're supposed to beat em once a week whether they deserve it or not, keep em guessing, "Got to beat em to keep em guessing," that's what the old man told me, so I'd try to beat them in airports or places The Old Man might have beena round, so I didn't have to really do it otherwise. Or you know, once in a while I'd take em to an opium denny's, offer them around, knowin' these guys aren't interested in anything but the one thing, see...and then when they didn't find a John I'd throw them in the bathroom and bang on the wall and they knew to scream and beg in realistic ways cause they was mostly wrestlers but the last pimp character, Damian ** really did enjoy being a pimp, and really did enjoy beating then. Anyway where was I. Oh right, so The Rouge Man's been sentenced by Jack Tunney to work as a Times Square Whore after getting pinned in a six-man tag by Peg Saussario, he of the one leg, who Barb mocked incessantly by doing single leg takedowns on him. I swear, I worked some of those six-mans as Barb's partner, and on some slow night in Christmas or Manistique or Sault Ste. Marie if gates were down in Christmas or Caddilac, I saw him do 100 single leg takedowns on good old Peg Saussario who was a real sweet kid. Only 15. Really seemed to miss his brothers, mother and father. Obviously they kept him alive because he got this sympathy quite naturally. Also because with the hundreds of single leg takedowns he could earn his keep as something of a comedy character, though to good old Peg, you know being a teenager and pretty emotional and all, nothing was funny about it. It was like being in hell, he'd often scream. Backstage he would mutter under his breath of murdering Barb. Now Mr. Perfect never put him in a headlock. Fact is no one said, "You know, that's a good, heck, did I say good, I meant guaranteed way to get yourself killed," because we all kinda knew the kid wanted to die. And he didn't want to die any old way. He wanted to be killed by Barb. And while his own kayfabe storyline was that he was going to avenge his family by killing Barb, but because he, along with everyone else, knew this simply wasn't possible, he was going to die trying. And so he did. RIP Peg. Rouge Man ate one of his remaining three appendages in each of the three weeks in the lead-up to the Vengeance Pay-Per View. On the pay-per-view pre-show, he's seen picking through some of Peg's other parts, prepared you know, Barb's way, with the good stuff.

The Lefthand Man

Anyway, where was I, oh yeah, well when The Rouge Man was kayfabe working as one of my bitches, he really did want to be treated like a bitch. Awful stuff. It's quite the mind game a man's playing where a man will get off if you beat him up. Now, there's often been that kinda man and they don't really make it too far, you know, with their agenda, at least not enough to make what they call a 'lifestyle' out of it, ya know? But then problem with The Rouge Man, you see, is he also got off on beating you up, and The Rouge Man was a tough old son of a bitch. He wasn't that long retired and when he got older in his career he got stiffer, didn't want to run the ropes, wanted to split open your chest with some chops and then be on his way, but yeah The Rouge Man would come flit about you know doing his Layla voice, and it's all just very unbecoming, you know, you just want him to leave. You want to say, "I'm trying to watch M*A*S*H here, and I was, and it was almost that big series finale, which was a very important cultural event if you can believe it now....and where was I, oh yeah you don't beat him like a 'real' pimp beats a ho you see The Rouge'd Kid back from '68, The Rouge'd Kid is back and he's Potatoing you right under the chin, trying to knock you out quick so he can do god help whoever knows what with ya, so what can you you start hammering on The Rouge Man, and The Rouge Man is kind of moaning as he gets hit, but not long enough he ain't blocking your next shot, the one you hope will just finally shut him when he blocks it and hits you with a shoot eye gouge. now most men don't really know how to manage that. it is painful, and there is a strong sense, quite often accurate a sense, actually, that you are blind. Well I been gouged by better men than this red asshole in a skirt, so I make out like I'm blind, waving my hands in the air type thing, yelling, "I"m blind oh my god I'm blind,' you know, carryin on like you's expected to if suddenly made blind. So I know The Rouge Man is a cannibal, because I've seen him eat more Saussarios than I'd have cared to, and I know he has a thing for fingers, because he's always doing things with his or (and also as) Miss Layla, you know the type of things and the places the fingers can go. The human body ain't no mystery. Ain't none of it wrong, either. Just the frequency. The fixation. With the fingers. Anyway point is I know he's going to try and bite off my fingers, and I also know The Rouge Man knows from many such "run-ins" that he can really only get one finger in one vicious bite, two—well not at his age, The Rouge Kid, maybe, well certainly, well probably. Anyway, he bites down on my index finger, but I get the thumbnail up there, and that kept the bite from getting through clean, got clean through the top of my thumb, but i got more thumb than that, and now I got a thumb in his mouth, the old fish hook. Don't underestimate it not much a man can do against it. So I said, "Now I got you you son of a bitch," and I pulled him by his cheek up on this telephone table the hotel had. And putting him on its bottom level there, well that made him about as tall as me, and I'd purposefully used the left thumb as the bate, so even though they call me Downtown Dan The Lefthand Man, my dominant hand is my right. I actually trained myself to make it dominant in my early 20s. Being known as "the left hand man" puts you at a strategic disadvantage, in a bare knuckles fight, you know, and those are pretty serious. And I'm not saying The Rouge Man wasn't serious, but he wasn't no match for me in my prime, well if not my prime maybe 8-9 years past it, but hey I'm stil 6'11 I'm still 300 pounds and The Rouge Man has his tricks and his dirty tricks but he is also, and you got to understand what a difficult position this is to be in, he is also my bitch, and The Old Man is insistent he gets the same treatment, and I can't pretend to rough up Rouge-y in Hilton Honors cause Rouge-y wants it for real himself, he being so sick, as he is. See I don't blame no one. Rouge-y didn't start out doing all that stuff, with his finger. I remmber The Rouge Kid. He was class act. Anyway now I'm basically controlling Rouge-y's head with the remaining half of my thumb, which is also filling his throat with blood. He's got both hands free, but with me having hte size advantage, and him not being able to move much, I just start throwing hands, and he's moaning at first, and really moaning as he starts throwing these you know, increasingly weak little slaps to the chest, kinda almost like No Gains gimmick; but then for just a second, after the fifth or six real hard punch I landed, that he knew he was going to get knocked out, and that's when I saw how paranoid he truly was, and I got the sense The Rouge Man himself didn't have a whole lot of say in what was going on. It was some outside force. The Rouge Man was just there to make it extra disgusting for everybody. So, to end the story on a positive note, cause I've always been a positive guy, inside and outsidet he business. To end the story on this positive note I will say that once The Rouge man was knocked out, well one, he's not doing no moaning, and 2) then I got to give him the beating he thought he deserved, but really did deserve, he wouldn't feel the pain or the pleasure, but his eyes wouldn't be fully open for some time, he might keep eating Saussarios, but it wasn't going to be with any of his own teeth, and he might look at Miss Layla's tits on his Galaxy Device, but he'll be doing that with his brain computer thing only he brought back from the future I suppose the story is, cause he won't be seeing out of no eyes of his. I saw to that.